Back When

Back when I couldn’t talk to just anyone anytime to talk about how I felt, how did I deal with it all?

Back when I was more alone than I am now, how did I deal with it all?

Back when I didn’t know what I was feeling, when it was all a mystery, what helped me coupe?

Back when I was happy and unstressed, why was I so free of these dark feelings?

Back when I was no one special on my way to becoming something I myself wasn’t yet sure of what, how was I so secure?

Back when I didn’t know I was full of what I now lack, why couldn’t I bring a bit of that with me?

Back then I wish I knew I was going to be dragged down into this darkness. I wish I knew I wasn’t destined for eternal inner peace and tranquility. There was no sign, there was no warning, there was no hint of a change. I wish I knew, back when I could have made better choices.

Cause now, I feel empty and lacking, I feel corrupt from my own feelings. I feel like this is not who I want to be. I don’t know why anyone else would want to be this let alone be with someone like this. Who spends his nights awake because he can’t bear sleeping. Who can’t sleep because it’s wasting time, but without it not able to function. Tomorrow is a hope, and never a promise. These words ring in my head like whatever broke back then, the effects still ring in me. I feel like there is no escape from who i am and will become.

Back when I didn’t have to write how twisted I felt inside.

Back when I had a smile that was real.

Back when love seemed like it was everything it was said to be.

Back when I didn’t feel so broken.

Back when i didn’t have these haunting eyes watching me.

Back when death wasn’t on my mind.

Back when I was myself.

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